On boys who are no more.

I wasn’t even a teenager when my distant cousin (several years older than me) introduced me to her boyfriend, her first sexual partner, who later would become her first (and only, hopefully) husband. Well, they are still married and they have a kid, and I always thought that they are a very happy couple, but perfect couples might just look perfect, it does not necessarily mean they are genuinely happy... But I hope and pray that this couple are actually happy, and when I was younger I thought there could be nothing better than what they had (Tiffany rings and puppies included).

I was in love with him for more than a decade. Maybe it was some psychological trick – after all, he was boyfriend and then husband of a girl I always admired, so if she loved him, I had to love him, too. Maybe it was thanks to the fact that when I was introduced to him I was still too young and sexual thoughts had not been too popular around my mind, but then I met him, who was so obviously sexually active with my friend. Maybe because I truly found him attractive and sexy (and let me tell you, back then he had one amazing body!) Maybe because he was somebody I couldn’t have and, as one of my male-friends once [wisely] pointed out, I always want boys I can’t have. Here you go, that was the beginning of the pattern.

So last night I had the most amazing dream. We were planning to go to Canada (Canada?? Why?) He cupped my face in his hands. He was sexually interested in me. His wife was somewhere around and in my dream I was panicking – is he interested in me? Is he ready to kiss me regardless of the fact that she is somewhere near? Will we be having sex? Is he mine?

No, he is not. Not in real life. And even though his wife is no longer my best friend and if I’d kiss him (and even have sex with him) it wouldn’t ruin our friendship, I wouldn’t do it anyway. Because the young guy I met more than a decade ago (surely not more than two decades ago??) is no more. He is there, in the late nineties, with me, when I was merely a spotty girl on the verge of a teen-age. He and I of then are no more.

But that dream was sure thing sexy! I woke up regretting that it was just a dream.