This world, this world.

This feeling of jealousy is killing me, it's eating me from inside, I can feel it's burning inside me. Why he has everything and he has not had to work for it? Why everything he has, with travelling, private education, green house upbringing. Today I refused his visit, he wanted to come in January, and I said no (even though I used to say yes before). He said he was upset because he was really looking forward to coming, and I said, and what, you always get what you want? Pretty much, was his answer. Well, to even it out, you are not going to get this.
Even though I want him to come. I want to punish him. Obviously, more than I want him to come. I want to punish him for that £30,000 per year school, for all the latest technology gadgets he wants and he gets the moment he wants them. I want to punish him for never having trouble with money, for never wanting stuff so bad and yet not having it, for never thinking that tomorrow you might not have no money at all, for having his mum not working and for his dad who supports the family of wife and four children and who is employed, employed full time, and the most repetitive word on his dad's CV is CEO. I want to punish him for being young and not having a mortgage and a child. I want to punish him for 3 snowboards he has. And I want to punish him for the fact that he does not have the latest iphone just because he does not fancy it. He just does not want it. I want to punish him for my stolen Blackberry and for the fact that those £300 that I had to pay for an early upgrade set me off big time and I am in trouble with my rent. I want to punish him for the fact that he wants and might go to university full time to study civil engineering.

i want to punish him punish him punish him i want to hurt him.

And most of all, I want to stop hurting, I want to banish the tears that I feel right now, right this second, behind my eyes, pushing pushing pushing their way outside. I want to not exist in the place where people do nothing and have everything, and where people work hard to get crambs, and don't give me the bullshit about love that cannot be bought and everybody is equal in the face of love - does he have it? He claims to be in love with me. Do I have it? Do I have it? For what I have, I had to fight. I had to go for it, I had to chase and conquue. So, no rest for me, not here not there. And don't bullshit me with that health can't be bought or sold mantra. Good health insurance can be bought. And his dad is paying, in case he spent his money on designer shoes that cost more than my monthly mortgage.

WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY

Why, when I thought that typing all this will make me fell better, it still hurts like hell??????????????????????????????????????????

This world, this world.